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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in .*. papercuts and broken hearts.*.'s LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 19th, 2005
11:27 am
my mom had surgery yesterday
the only person from my family that knows/cares is sarah.
i called my cousin and left a message on his machine "my mom had surgery today, im sure she'd love it if you called to say hi or something"
but he never called
i havent spoken to him in a long time
neither has my mom
we all used to be close
thanksgiving is coming up
and my grandmother is depressed because we dont have family anymore
since marti died...
our family spirit or whatever you want to call it died along with her.
Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
9:32 pm
i got so good at pushing people away
that i do it without noticing.
and i cant even help it
Sunday, October 30th, 2005
10:45 am
im at marissas
we went to plush last night w her cousin and her cousins friends, elayne, lorenzo, elaynes friend, and taylor was there. and it was cool ;p we had fun.
got drunkkkk
havent hung out with marissa in awhile. i missed herrrr haha
slept here i have to leave fr work in like 15 min
boooo
Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
3:58 am
and maybe i miss you more than ill ever be willing to admit
its not like it matters anyway

its 4am now, and i still cant sleep
i feel like crap... just like icky, and i dont know why
i felt fine before, i went to this cute play with liz.

bah
but maybe im over tired. but thats impossible when you sleep all day

i feel like such a waste. "a waste of breath, of space, of time."

i need a job. i hate borrowing money from my mother. blegh
ihave nothing of value to say
besides my mind is too active
and i feel like an emotional disaster
for no particular reason
and if anyone knew the one thing i want right now
im sure theyd smack me in the face. really really hard
cuz i know id deserve it
but why cant i see it?

i want to drive to maryland. maybe then life will be okay.
i remember writing something about that awhile ago, back when i was in hartford. yea, i was sitting in sociology. stairing out the window,
at least those classrooms all had windows.
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
5:37 am
its nights like these that remind us
that everything will be okay
that everything has its place
and sometimes the best memories are silent and simple
these are the nights that will be remembered.

i just got home from a 4hour drive to no where with wil. we talked, and talked, about nothing, and everything, and so much. and its awesome having a friend like that.
i love those drives. :)
and i love everything at 5am. it's such a peaceful time. definately my favorite hour of the day.
Friday, September 30th, 2005
9:04 pm
i just got a postcard from my uncle- he's in greece with his girlfriend
he's having an amazing time.
hes so happy with carol, its awesome.
its just upsetting knowing that my aunt wanted to travel, she wanted to do all of the things that he is doing now with carol
but he never wanted to
maybe her death woke him up, so now he's living the life she always wanted
and it just sucks that she couldnt be there with him now.
i miss her so much.

my mom went to see my cousin last weekend- i didnt. i told her to tell him that i want to kidnap his son sometime soon. I'll have her call him and see if i can pick drew up from school on monday. i miss him bunches, havent seen him in probably 2 months now, i've given up on trying to call my cousin. Its craaaazy to think that drew is in school now. ahh hes getting so big =D!
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
4:07 am
i did more today than ive probably done all week.
i played dress up this morning, and put on my cute pink dress
then drove to jersey to hang out with keith, went to dinner, went bowling with him and his friends, then hung out by him for a little.
drove home, and decided to call wil on my way home, to go for coffee
but then his friend called and wanted to meet up
so we go for coffee, then meet his friends at the pool hall.
play an amusing game of pool, decide to drive to times square, then through the village, then back home.
it's now like 4am, i just got home a few minutes ago, i'm actually pretty damn hyper.
its days like this that make every other day suck lol <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANEE (yeahhh 2 happy birthdays from me cuz yr that fucking special...whore)
show tomorrow for her birthday. awesome.
yesterday went to this club in long island, called craze.
people being friends with the bartenders=free/cheap drinks+toni not driving=happy toni :)

damn good weekend.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
7:44 pm
PEOPLE IN JERSEY CANT FUCKING DRIVE
driving to keith's yesterday it was stop and go traffic, whatever. and then it stopped and the lady behind me said she stopped, and the guy behind her... didnt. so he hit into her and she hit into me.
my cars okay, and im okay though, just like shaken up, i was freaking out.
my back hurts a little but thats prolly just whiplash or whatever
i didnt go on the accident report so i didnt get any of the info ( thats what the cop said )
my mom said i should have but whatever.

i told wil that i didnt want to drive to boston now though, i think he's mad at me.

shari msged me asking if i wanted to go to some bar this weekend, i havent seen her in years, i said i would, but havent heard anything else hmmmm

and because i suck at updating this...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (on sunday) to JANEEEEEEE
Monday, September 19th, 2005
6:19 pm
so a lot has happened...
i thought about it, i did it, im over it.
even though it didnt go as planned, its better this way.

i was reading this story i started to write like a year ago, and i really like it, maybe ill start working on it again.

i decided to go job hunting in long island- just cuz. i like long island, and theres lots of parking there. Wh00t for my logic again... its kind of a trap- like going to hartford for the lake

i started going to the gym again, sort of.

hung out with this boy yesterday, it was cool. saw the roomie for a bit, that was cool too.
thats about all
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
12:49 am
ive been thinking a lot
and as the past has shown, thats never a good idea, i always get myself into trouble.
school wasn't too bad minus one nazi professor.
the boy at starbucks gave me a thing for free coffee, that made me smile
too bad he was ugly ;/ *sigh* that was mean

zox is playing on friday and no one wants to come with me :( *tear*
i even tried to get sabrina to come to new york, since i miss my roomie, but she can't. suckage.
i haven't seen her since i left hartford.
i really miss dorming, but hartford just wasn't the place for me. it was kind of upsetting watching everyone around me all excited and packing and moving, and me just sitting here. I attempted to be excited about going back to school, but once i got there it diminished. I'm taking some awesome classes though, at least they might keep my interest.

i really want to go to italy over winter break. For the study abroad program there is this course called "Photography in Rome" that sounds simple and has the potential to be exciting. I can't think of anything better to do Jan 1-24 than walk around Rome taking pictures. I want at least one of my friends to come, for comfort, since i hate being alone, but this is something i'm not going to let go because no one else wants to do it. even though wil said he would :) that would me so much fun.
*cough* anyone else in the CUNY system can do it, considering i have nooo friends at john jay anymore it makes me happy cuz it doesnt really matter where yr going to school, as long as yr going to one of them. *cough liz cough*

I have a job interview tomorrow at the grand prospect hall, for a waitress position. I told my mom, she told me not to go, because i'd probably make crap money and be dissappointed. She's so encouraging.
I really need a job though, because my credit card bill for this month is going to be over $400... and thats without my books.
making such crap money at the camp this year really screwed me over.
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
7:54 pm
ive been sick all summer, but work is finally over
now its time to get a new job... school starts tomorrow
my moms going away in a week, imma be lonely :( theyre putting the dog in the vet for the week so she doesnt destroy the house
imma miss my puppy
everyones welcome to stop by.. please! hehe
not too much going on
black tie gala thursday, hung out with alyssa, rafi, and annie, we went to this party at beth's friends house but left, and drove around,
friday was the head counselor party, not too bad, said goodbye to jenny after it though :(
definately going to visit her soon, gotta get to hartford this semester too, and up to bing! hehe yay
fell into the trap of surveys so heres that silly thing
Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
See sour_stars's results.Collapse )
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
8:16 am
hurm
friday's show was awesome. im really happy that i went. and no matter how long its called brooklyn music terminal for, i have a feeling i will always call it l'amours.
Lourds was great, i have a weakness for chick singers. Suicide City was fucking awesome so much energy on stage, i was exhausted by the time their set came on, but they woke me up and put on a great show. They're playing a free show on Sept. 10- definately going to check it out.
The Pennyroyals played too, i liked their set but i kinda fell asleep through it, they were good though. The two bands before them were something to be desired, meh. The first band that was on when we got in gave me a headache, and it sounded like he was screaming blablablabla the entire set, which wasnt bad because i was wrapped in the nostalgia of the place.
When i first walked in the first thing that popped into my head was when my mom came to pick me up from a show i went to with jimmy, and marti came inside looking for us, and we both got soo mad at her. *sigh*
i remember how my life was wrapped around shows, temple and lamours every weekend. I kind of miss that.
I got to see Michele- i knew she'd be there cuz she told me about the show, her sister nanciann, janine who i havent seen since SHE graduated... forever ago, Liz who i havent seen in over a year, and janee, whom i surprisingly hadn't seen in quite awhile either.
all in all it was a really good night, much more exciting and entertaining than my typical bar night, it made me really want to start hitting up the shows all the time again.
I wonder who else is playing with Suicide City at Sam Ash...
I decided im not going to florida with the moms, i'll throw her a party the day she gets back, which is her birthday, i really dont want to fly alone.
so i'll have an open house the day of the show, which will rock.
everyone has to sleep over that week cuz i hate sleeping here alone. :( ill drive everyone to school/work in the morning hahah and ill cook! yay
Sunday, August 14th, 2005
1:22 am
i feel disgusting.
i need a shower.
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
4:31 pm
mm i love food shopping.
spent the morning with the mom. wasnt too bad.
gotta go to wills in a little to help him get stuff for his party tonight.
and teach him how to make jello shots hehe
last night we watched ginger snaps 2, it was a cute movie, supposed to be a horror movie although not quite scary but the ending was a bit twisted. i enjoyed it.
2 more weeks of camp, and i cant wait until its over.
mom wants me to go to florida for her birthday, but i dont want to fly alone :( *tear*
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
10:19 pm

yay for the cutest picture everrr!
pics pics picsCollapse )

pic posts rock.
6:46 pm
oh my every night with liz is like another scene from a horror movie where we should get killed
but luckily we dont.
this scene should go directly after the prostitute stairing at us as we are driving in circles in queens, after taking the scenic route through spanish harlem that occured last week.
i parked my car on 46th between 9th and 10th, like i usually do, to go to liz's birthday party thing at house of brews.
but instead of parking at the end of the block i parked near the middle. not knowing that on the corner there was a sign saying you needed nyp plates to be there... so i go off, have a good silly night and then walk back to my car with charlie and liz, and cant find it.
now, i know i was at a bar, but i wasnt drunk or stupid, it dissappeared :( so after a few minutes i concluded that it was either stolen or towed and searched for the reason why and stumbled accross the sign.
made a few phone calls and found out it was at the impound lot on 12th and 36th.
keeping in mind that it is now 2am, me and liz venture through the streets, alone, running from bums. we probably weren't wearing the most appropriate clothing for this hike, but that added to the effect. dark streets, random cars honking at us, and bums in crates created the perfect scene for something spooky and when we got to 36th and 11th... we found the javits center... which meant we couldnt cross it and had to walk all the way back to 41st to get over to 12th.
sat in the scary room with the angry yelling black lady attendant and the tourists from north caronlina sitting next to us discussing whether it is or isnt possible to truly love two people at one time. it felt like a jail room waiting for punishment.
$185 later i sat in a police van as the barely english speaking cop drove me to my car...
to find a $95 ticket sitting on my windshield.
so much for learning experiences.
but i got my pictures developed and i look cracked out in most of them, only 18 on the roll came out and i shall scan them in a few.
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
9:02 pm
why is it that if yr a guy and you can hold a conversation
and use more than 2% of your brain
and understand things on a level above yo son wat up.
yr either ugly, madly in love, or gay?
if someone can explain this, i will love them forever<3
Saturday, August 6th, 2005
10:27 pm
im sick as hell
i thought i was going to die yesterday
i was at work and we were painting and the room was spinning and i thought i was going to throw up so i ran to the air conditioner and everyone told me i looked like shit
so i went home, i told kevin i didnt feel good and he said so leave, which made it easy since he didnt bother me about it
hung out with will twice last week, once for coffee and once for a random adventure to long island
saw this kid from elementary school, crazy to see how people grow up
our lives went in such opposite directions, kinda scary but it was cool to see him
im bored out of my mind
i hate being sick :( i havent left the house all day
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
7:55 am
i love random adventures.
i got upset and needed to get out of my house so i went for a drive, i ended up picking up liz who was roaming the village.
and then we were on a search for an island that looks like europe- cheap vacation :)
and a prison, but we decided to settle for the abandoned psych ward on roosevelt island
so we followed all the signs to try and get there until we got into queens and on street said roosevelt island --> and when you got to the corner it said roosevelt island <--- and we went around all the blocks in between and found nothing that resembled a bridge or entrance to it :( it was poop.
apparantly you can only get there by tram (like disney world) but thats where the homeless people hang out.
so we decided that roosevelt island does not exist, not that day anyways, and we have to embark on this adventure again one day, but mid day instead of at night, because apparantly it also closes?
we really had no information on this place but we wanted to go to an island.
and you cant get to governers island can you?

i really should be getting dressed and leaving for work, but im kinda thinking that if i put that off i dont have to go ;/ i dont want to, i hate my kids this year they give me such a headache every single day. i told the owner (jack) that these are the worst kids ive ever had and he was like nooo i think theyre better this year ;/ bullshit.
Saturday, July 30th, 2005
3:00 am
FUNN NIGHT :)
taylor is awesome.
according to a drunken taylor, marissa doesnt like hanging out with me cuz im not fun anymore.
well fuck that ;/ riss and elayne left early, cuz they were tired.
so me and taylor hung out for a little while, we met the only freaks tonight.
we hung out with these 2 guys in the bar, then we went to the pizzaria down the block, where taylor got bad pizza, and some guy was standing near us and listening to our conversation, and found us too humerous to ignore so he joined.
we spoke to random guy #1 who turned out to be 25 and a cop, and will probably stalk taylor forever cuz he goes to the gym nnear where she works. and then random guy #2 who stole taylors shoes, and wanted to bite her ankles.
they were the funniest people of the night, both obviously drunk, as was taylor.
i was sober, by choice, its better that way.
it was a good night to end a terrible day, i hate my kids, they give me such a headache and it is definately not worth it.
mike actually called me back, i called him when i was driving home and he called back a few minutes ago, hes at some bar.
shocking, i really didnt expect it, hes still an asshole. blegh, i dont even care, i was just annoyed.
i was tempted to call THE asshole, again, but i refrained. im proud of myself, i dont know why he's been on my mind so much lately, its irritating, and it needs to stop. maybe i should call, just to remind myself that he completely changed and sucks and i really dislike him.

last time we went to muses, we took some pics, and riss has them but i need them cuz there is THE absolute cutest pic of me and her drinking from the same drink and we look adorable, but i have to get the negatives to make a copy.
it should be on my camera too, but i still have to take a bunch of pics before i develop it.
its 3am and i have so much energy, uncool.
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